Chapter 31: I swore I wouldn’t do it, but…..

I’m not a private person, per se, but I’m certainly not a “let me tell the world all my business” either. I tell my close friends things that I would tell my mother and my dogs hear everything, but otherwise, David’s one of the only people who knows everything I’m feeling and thinking and needing, etc.

So, it feels really strange to be writing about what’s happening this week. I have to go in for a test – it’s not something I want to do, but in order to get what I want, I have to do it. It’s going to be uncomfortable, and I might be in pain for a bit when its over. I can’t go back to work for the afternoon – which is never a great thing, either.

The thing is, there’s one thing I want more than anything in the world. More than the new house; more than a new car; more than good a job…..in fact, it is a job! I want the job of a mommy……I want to be on-call 24/7/365. I want to wear throw-up and look like a train hit me because my kid kept me up all night. I want to feel like I don’t fit in when I go back to work after maternity leave. I want to have to juggle and juggle and juggle my schedule. I want to cut back on my other expenses so my kid can take baseball, swimming or dance.

I want these things because I also want to hear the little squeaks and squeels of delight when you tickle their belly; I want to get wet at bathtime because they are having too much fun; I want butterfly kisses and to smell the sweet scent of a sleeping child. I want to feel the pride I see in my friends’ eyes when their kids accomplish something magnificent – tying their shoe, entering full-day school, graduating high school or college, becoming a doctor – I want THAT and I’m willing to trade all the comfort in the world to have it.

So, yes, this week is going to be hard. I’m probably not going to be in the mood to do much, but I hope that it will be worth it.  And if its not, i’ll just chalk it up as one bad week and move on.

wish me luck.

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3 Responses to Chapter 31: I swore I wouldn’t do it, but…..

  1. Jen says:

    i will be thinking of your and hoping for the best. xoxo

  2. ginnaryan1 says:

    Hey Rach:
    Sending you good thoughts and good luck from Chicago. Your post was beautiful.
    Ginna

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