Last night was really strange. I both felt empowered and humbled, neither of which were all that comfortable for me.
As you probably recall, I’m working on me right now. While, yes, we’re calling it “Rachael Weiss Project” – the reality is that no such project exists. I am just using will power and tough love to get me back to where I need to be. Part of that has been diet, part of it is reading more and the last piece is exercise.
After finishing a rather dull book; or perhaps one I just didn’t like much, I went back to a tried-and-true author: Philippa Gregory. I’m reading one of her newer novels , the Lady of the Rivers (part of The Cousins War Series) and, so-far, so-good. I’m eating better, for sure. I have pretty much cut out all red meat and am sticking to fish and to chicken. Last weekend David and I devoured a “seafood plateau” from Capital Grille – apparently, I have to get all my shellfish in now, while not preggers because you can’t eat it when you are?!? did you know such things like that could be true? I was happier NOT knowing that!
But mostly, I’m focused on this working-out piece. I’ve added into my workout a new spot called Fight Gone Mad – and its AWESOME. Not only is the workout insanely amazing, but I’ve buddied-up with a girl (let’s just call her A) who’s just starting on her own journey into transformation and I’m learning about me thru that “friendship.” As A will tell you, she’s not a small girl. I’m sure she will be, though, a little further down her journey. She’s got “IT” in her!
After our “First Fight”, A cried. I remember that feeling. The feeling of complete and utter depletion, leaving it all in the gym. All the hurt, all the emotion, all the sweat, blood, tears. Everything that made me gain weight to begin with. She just couldn’t stop. She was embarrassed; a feeling I remember well. She was proud and disappointed all at the same time.
I remember saying to A, “it’s ok to cry; you just accomplished something amazing. You are taking care of YOU – making yourself as important as all those around you. these tears will help you thru this, so don’t be embarrassed. we all have those moments and if we don’t embrace them, they’re not worth having.” She hugged me……and continued to cry.
That night, I went straight to yoga – as is my typical Wednesday night; it was so hot in there and I had to leave for air. I thought it was just FGM wreaking havoc on my system….Last night I learned differently.
I went back to FGM last night – met up with my girl Nikki and was pleasantly surprised when another friend, Lauren, showed up. We were in for an ASS WHOOPIN’ to a degree I can’t even enumerate! It was a tough workout – one that I know I will feel today (I am already). My friend “A” was there; she was back for more pain and more pride. I was so happy to see her!
At the end of the workout, when we were all commiserating together – I found A crying (again). She said “I’m just so disappointed that my big ass couldn’t finish.” I told her that my big ass nearly didn’t finish – not the way I wanted it to – either and that she should focus on being proud that she STARTED. I channeled all that my friends, trainers, nutritionists and others said to me – the stuff I didn’t believe either because I paid them or was friends with them – or they were family – and repeated it. The difference, I told A, is that in reality, we’re not friends. I’m practically a stranger. She isn’t paying me and isn’t related to me. So, when I say:
I believe in you. I know you are going to be amazing – you just need to accept where you are and build on it. You will get there. This is a tough journey. Transformation is HARD. It will make you cry. You will probably cry the whole time and you better learn to love those crys – they will keep happening and its not worth being embarrassed. Hell, we’ll cry with you if you want.
I mean it. I have nothing to lose or to gain by telling her that. I then wished her a good night and ran home to eat and then head to Y2 Yoga.
Again, the room was REDONCULOUSLY HOT. More so than normal. I felt so strong – my postures were good. My hips were opening, but I couldn’t stand the heat. Rather than leave the proverbial “kitchen” I stuck it out…..after all, I am a finisher. I don’t know why I’m struggling thru these hot classes more than normal; but I am – and it feels like shit.
On my way home, however, I decided to tell myself what I told A. Transformation is hard. It will make you cry – and in my case, it might make me puke. I can’t be embarrassed about just hanging on out on my mat…..I’m in there, I’m fighting for what’s important to me and I’m better learn to love it because fighting it won’t help anything.
Sometimes, we all just need a little reminder of what’s important. Of what transformation, struggle, upheaval, whatever you want to call it LOOKs like. What it feels like. And how great it is when you can overcome – what it feels to FINISH.
I guess this little rant was about being a FINISHER. Making a decision and sticking to it. Getting it done. Being uncomfortable. Growth. All those things that hurt in process and are amazing when finished.
Go get it kids….It’s yours if you want it.