As I’ve told you all before, I LOVE me some Wednesday PM Hot Vinyasa with Adam at Y2 Yoga www.y2yoga.com. Last night, however, my love grew stronger and I had an experience I’ve only ridiculed previously!
Let me start by telling you that months ago, one of my favorite yogis in Charlotte, Johnna Smith, told me that my throat chakra was all blocked and I needed to just go somewhere and scream. I didn’t. So, instead, I’ve been carrying around a ton of emotions and last night – during Savasana, they all flooded out of me.
About 1/2 way thru practice, Adam asked us to take our favorite inversion. I went for Handstand….and BOOM! got it! all by myself! So, then later during practice, when told we could invert again – I went for it again; though this time Adam gave me a fist-assist. I was hanging out on my hands, with my legs above my head, for a good minute (or so it felt) and a crazy thing happened….I started to get all choked up. I kept my sh*t together until we finally were told to take rest (Savasana for those who don’t know!), and I don’t know if it was the music, the clearing during the posture or the words Adam spoke – but I started BAWLING. Or, as bawling as I could in a class filled with friends and fellow yogis.
The gist of what Adam was saying was that we needed to release our fears, acknowledge our strengths and how brave and courageous we are. Appreciate ourselves. And after accomplishing something that for so long I’d been deathly afraid of, I finally realized what he was saying.
All day, every day, I have been burdened with a fear that – while possibly substantiated and possibly made-up – has been debilitating. I can’t exactly pin-point the fear, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with our current situation: David’s not working, we have 2 mortgages, we have parents who are aging (and his dad is sick), we had to postpone starting a family and my older dog (Gabby) is, as Sara Silverman would say, “rotting from the inside out.” We are new to Charlotte, I’m new in my job and all of our family and friends live elsewhere. We’ve had to make a new life for ourselves and all of this has happened in the first year of our marriage. So, DUH, I have some emotions built up in me, huh?
When practice was over, and I’d gotten my cry-on, my girlfriends Nikki and Katie both swarmed me with love and affection – Nikki told me I was her hero; Katie with a hug. I was, again, overwhelmed with emotion – as I am, now, while writing this.
The amazing thing that I think that handstand did for me was open my eyes to the wonder of how strong we, ALL OF US, are. How capable we are of handling that which life throws at us. Sometimes you can control your situation; sometimes you cannot. However, you can always control your reaction to the situation – and when afraid, sometimes you just have to forge-on. That might mean crying, screaming, running, meditating….it might mean just accepting it and moving on. No matter how you allow the emotion to come (and then pass), you will survive.
Walking out of class, Nikki and were talking about her upcoming Rambling Rose race – her first triathlon – and the fear she’s experiencing as the race approaches (it’s Sunday! and she’s going to ROCK it!!!!) I told her the same thing my coach used to tell me before a fight – and advice I should have given myself all these months we’ve been here in Charlotte:
Finish it. Just get in there and do it. You’ve been training for it and you are ready. What’s the worst that happens? You finish last? Your time sucks? You’ve still done something few others have – you’ve accomplished it for you and you, alone. You are strong and you are successful.
Sorry for the long rant, but last night’s Savasana was truly an awakening. I think I found a piece of me that had been missing and I wanted to thank those who’ve helped that to happen. Mostly, though, I wanted to encourage those of you who carry fear around to unburden yourselves any way you know how. The fear is debilitating; the acceptance and shedding of it is liberating.